Shakespeare Insult Kit
Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with “Thou”:Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated joithead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet qualling motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlot wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
good list to have
- Classmate #1: Like, I'm okay with gay people wanting to be with each other. But marriage should be between a guy and a girl.
- Classmate #2: I don't even want to see it. Like, it's nasty.
- Me: Oh my god! I know! My neighbor was talking about how he and his Jewish girlfriend wanna get married and I was like "Why should you two be allowed to get married?" in my head. I mean, why would they think it was okay for a Christian and a Jew to get married. Disgusting.
- Classmates: ....
- Me: And let me tell you about this other couple I saw making out at the mall. It was nasty. The boy was white and the girl was black. Can you believe that? Two people of different races being together? That's just wrong.
- Classmate #2: What the hell is wrong with you? So what if they want to be together?
- Classmate #1: Yeah, there isn't anything wrong with it.
- Me: Are you kidding me? It's completely wrong.There is only one kind of marriage that is okay. And that is between a man and a woman of the same race, religious background, with the same income level and from the same place. We wouldn't want kids to think that diversity is okay. God wouldn't appreciate these people ruining the sanctity of marriage.
- Classmate #1: Why are you even in this conversation? God loves everyone.
- Me: What? So you're telling me that God doesn't care who you marry, because he loves everyone?
- Classmate #1: Yeah...
- Me: Does he love animals, too?
- Classmate #1: He loves human and animals and living creatures all around.
- Me: Whoa. That just blew my mind. Well it is a good thing that gay people can't get married then. Because everyone knows that gay people aren't human, or living for that matter. Haha.
- Classmate #1: ....
- Me: Go choke on a dick you stupid prick.
For those of my friends who like Doctor Who. All my thanks to sunnseanicarts, whose Youtube videos inspired me to write this essay.
I first wrote this in August and spent three months editing it before sending it off to the University of Pennsylvania as my main Common App essay. I was accepted.
- mum: why are people so ugly
- me: wot
- mum: why aren't people more nice looking
- me: ...
- mum: not you, you're beautiful, but people are so ugly these days
- me: okay